Letting Go of What Won't Let Go of You
Episode #65: Show Notes
Today we’re talking about responsibility, and knowing how to recognize what’s yours… and what isn’t yours to manage or hold. As my 90-day experiment unraveled, so did the threads of grief and responsibility I'd been holding in silence for eleven months.
I was incredibly overwhelmed and stressed out when I started my experiment. And by day 36 I no longer needed it because so much had changed– in really good ways. I shared the details of this experiment in episodes 57 and 58, but you don’t need that context to dive in with me.
Listen to the full episode:
Grief, Loss & Taking an Unwanted Role
My Mom passed away about a year ago, after a couple painful years of battling a monstrous illness. I had to step into a Trustee role immediately after her death, while still grieving… and it started to take over my life and my emotional health.
Last year after Mom died, I found myself as a fledgling Trustee and Co-Executor of an estate with my sister. Together, we had to straighten out Mom’s finances, arrange for the funeral, clean out her house, and document possessions. And on top of that, I got dumped into a world of high-stress legalese, lawyer meetings, phone calls, endless documentation, record-keeping, courthouse visits, and big bills.
And even when I wasn't actively working on the legal stuff, I felt the weight of all Mom's papers, photos, journals, mementos and electronics that are piled up in different spots of my house, still waiting for me to finish going through them.
And then, in stillness, the breath of grief arrived — not to break me, but to teach me how to carry what was never mine to fix. And to teach me that my own mourning and emotional health were more important than anything written on paper or any imposed duties and responsibilities– no matter how real and important they seemed.
What Truly Matters When You're Grieving
I know this, but I had to really acknowledge it. I reminded myself that trying to honor my Mom’s wishes by serving as Trustee isn’t going to bring her back. Neither is keeping endless mementos, photographs or tangible things. Whatever money or property is lost in the trust process, Mom isn’t here to enjoy them anyway, so it just doesn’t matter.
I think she’d appreciate that I tried my best, that the circumstances were more complicated than she realized, and she’d be thankful for the decisions I made– for my own wellbeing. Because ultimately, Moms care about us, right? That’s their main job. I think if she could see me now, she’d be saying “I”m so glad you let this go.”
The Nightmare Keeping Me Up at Night
So, here’s what’s been going on. Some key players in this puzzle weren’t cooperating very well, and it was eating away at me. I was back to sleepless nights staring at the ceiling, with stress gnawing at me just like it did during the worst times of my Mom’s illness.
First, I made the decision to look for a new lawyer. That may not sound scary, but thinking about firing a law firm was scary for me. Anyway, after meeting with her, it became crystal clear exactly how tangled and twisted the legal documents I'm supposed to enforce really are.
In my position, I am legally supposed to do things… that legally can’t be done. It’s like a weird legal loop, where there is nowhere to turn, no real solution, and BONUS- guess what? I’m held responsible for making sure the legal but not legal stuff happens, and can be personally liable for not making it happen. Seriously, what??
And there are people and property involved, and legal jargon, and deadlines, and headaches, and basically no operating funds to work with. But I’m supposed to do these impossible duties for possibly the next 20 years… for free?
Nobody would take on a position like this knowing all the facts– NOBODY.
Making the Empowering Decision to Resign
So I made another important decision about all this legal junk. I am moving forward with the difficult decision to resign the Trustee position entirely. Even though it means I won't be able to keep things accurate, do things "the right way" (which is how my brain thrives) or basically have any control at all over what happens.
I know mistakes will be made, they already have been. I know things will fall through the cracks. Stuff will get messed up. More deadlines will be missed. In short, things WON’T be done right. And after beating myself up about this for nearly a year, I’m OK with that.
Unfortunately, this means I’ll have to go back to court, which freaks out my entire nervous system…. but it also means freedom from serving in this role. Sometimes the path to our peace runs straight through some scary, unpleasant stuff. But the icky stuff is usually brief, and the peace waiting for us on the other side is SO worth it!
Recognizing What Was Never Yours to Carry
This hasn't been just a legal headache, it's tangled up with prolonged grief, family complexity, and a situation with no clean resolution. And you know what I realized? Sometimes the most empowering thing you can do is release what was never truly yours to fix.
Especially when you've tried everything and the situation still can't be resolved the way it should be. Remember I said I'm legally supposed to do things that legally can't be done? It hurts my brain when I think about the endless loop and all the ways I’ve tried to mentally solve it in my head.
This experience has been a neon flashing reminder that It's important to recognize the difference between what's yours to carry and what isn't. And if you are a responsible person who is used to being in charge and in control like me, that difference between what’s yours and what isn’t can be really hard to see.
What about you? Do you feel like you need to always be the responsible one, the one who steps up? If not, look around you– it might be your brother or sister who naturally, unconsciously puts themselves in this role.
Putting Something Down Is Not Giving Up
In my opinion, putting down something that isn’t yours to carry doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re allowing yourself to listen to your breath, to embrace your clarity, and to use your own discernment– regardless of how anyone else views the situation from the outside.
Maybe people will think I just couldn’t take the pressure. Maybe people will think I’m weak. I already have people who think I’m being mean by trying to enforce the legal stuff– which again, I can get into trouble personally for NOT doing. Seriously- makes my brain throb.
Have you heard this saying before “What other people think of me is NONE of my business?” I agree with that, but it’s not easy to NOT think about what other people think about me. Can you relate?
And I’ve also heard that we each operate as if we’re the center of the universe– because in a sense we ARE the center of how we perceive the world. But contrary to what you might think at times, most people around you are too busy with their own lives to look for flaws in yours… and mine. Except maybe for people who are gosippy, but why would you care what THOSE people think? I sure don’t.
Making Decisions From Calm Instead of Fear
What I found during this whole season, the experiment, the stillness, the clarity that came from getting quiet, is that I started making decisions from a very different place. Discernment came easier. I felt peace about the decisions I made, instead of second-guessing myself.
My mentors noticed it too. They asked me recently what it feels like to make decisions from calm instead of fear, and where I stand NOW, not where I'm going. My answer was awkward, because I feel like I'm still in the middle of this phase. But I said "excited in anticipation, joy for feeling like I've figured out things I've been struggling to fit together for years, and feeling like although I've been moving toward what I feel is my purpose, now I'm living it."
I shared more in episode 64 about what I’m working on that’s feeling so good to create, and if you’re curious about what’s resonating with me right now, you can peek here.
Clarity Doesn't Come From the Easy Times
The past few months have been a season of clarity for me, and if you’ve been listening, I just want to point out that the stillness and clarity I found didn’t come from yippie-skippy, fun, sunshiny times separate from the hard stuff. The stillness and clarity I found were made possible only because of going through the hard stuff.
Plot Twist: The Door to Freedom Closed Too
And I have a plot twist to share with you friends. Since I prepared this episode, my situation took another turn. I started the resignation process and reached out for more legal help and learned I actually can't resign. It seems laws have changed and the court has no one to hand the responsibility over to, especially since the trust has no funding to run it. So unfortunately, I'm still in it.
And I'm choosing to let that be okay too. I will choose to be mindful about when and how long I work on it so it doesn’t creep into other areas of my life. And I’m hopeful a peaceful resolution will be found soon.
Two Questions to Sit With This Week
As for you, here’s two journal questions to think about this week:
What are you avoiding doing, out of fear or stress, even though it would be better for you in the long run?
And what's on the other side of that scary, unpleasant thing you keep not doing?
Have a fabulous week, my friends!
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Jennifer Robin is always searching for the next thing that might help: the book, the practice, the reframe you didn't know existed but turns out to be exactly what you needed.
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