The Little Red Lipstick Lie and 90-Day Experiment
Episode #58: Show Notes
Welcome back! Last week we talked about the compulsion to build things (like businesses) that you might NOT actually want and some common reasons for why that happens. I also shared some ways I’m using AI to help me identify patterns in my life as it mirrors back to me things I’ve journaled about.
And I promised this week I’d explain what my 90-day experiment is, how even HAPPY childhood memories can connect to nervous system patterns, and what I’m calling “the little red lipstick lie.”
Listen to the full episode:
Watch this episode’s video:
The Memory Nobody Warned You About
When you hear the words “trauma response,” what does that make you think of? Usually it has to do with painful memories and scary stuff. Difficult and traumatic events from our past shape who we become, and who we are.
But happy memories can do exactly the same thing. In the self-help realm, I don’t think this is talked about enough. It wasn’t a concept that was even on my personal radar. I mean, we’re taught to uncover the shadows, the deep things, the things we’ve hidden away. Nobody told ME that nuggets were hiding in good memories and experiences, too.
How Your Nervous System Files Happy Memories Away
I’ve been learning about how our nervous systems are pattern-recognition machines. They’re constantly scanning — what brings safety, what brings connection, what brings love? And when something, even something genuinely wonderful, consistently delivers those feelings, our system quietly files it away, like it’s saying “oooh, yeah! That's it! That’s the stuff! Do more of that.” And then we spend years — sometimes decades — doing more and more of whatever THAT is. Even when the context of our lives has completely changed. Even when THAT stopped serving us a long time ago.
Let’s talk about a few examples so you can start noticing whether any of this might be showing up somewhere in YOUR life.
If you grew up in a house where Sunday dinners were this warm, abundant, everybody-around-the-table kind of thing — where food meant love and togetherness and safety — your nervous system may have coded "feeding people = love and safety." So as an adult, maybe you overfeed guests or find yourself stress-cooking when relationships feel shaky. It's a happy memory that became a blueprint.
Or maybe in your family, Christmas was the one magical time of year everything felt okay — maybe family tension eased, money worries disappeared for a day — your system may have learned "abundance is temporary and must be maximized while it's here." Which shows up as spending too much, overdoing celebrations, or feeling inexplicably sad when the holiday ends even when everything's fine.
When Achievement Becomes a Language of Love
Try to remember when you felt most seen, loved and celebrated as a child. If those moments were connected to achievement, like when you got straight A’s, earned an award or made the team– your nervous system may have learned something very specific. Performing equals worth. Achieving equals love. So, like me, you might have kept performing. Even when you feel exhausted. Even when nobody is asking for the extra work you’re doing. Even if the praise, recognition, and positive attention don’t even happen alongside it anymore. Because somewhere inside, your system, like mine, might STILL believe that if you stop, something important would be withdrawn. Taken away from you.
I have a specific memory of this that I want to share, because I think a lot of you are going to recognize something in it.
I was part of a statewide singing competition in high school and placed second or third soprano my first year. During the concert that followed, I remember sitting in the crowd of students, watching the first place winners stand and get recognized as the audience applauded. And I made a pact with myself that next year, that would be me. Not because I needed a trophy, but because I wanted my parents and peers to see me stand up. I wanted that moment of being witnessed by the people whose opinion mattered most to me.
So I worked for it. And the next year I DID earn first place. But the committee decided they didn’t want anyone to feel left out, so they stopped the tradition of publicly recognizing the first place students. I had accomplished exactly what I set out to do. And the moment I was really working toward (that feeling of love and celebration) didn’t happen.
Maybe your version of this looks like a dance recital where you looked out into the audience and saw that Dad wasn’t there watching you. Or the softball game where you got the winning run, but Mom was tuned into her cell phone playing candy crush and missed everything.
Does any of that feel familiar? Just notice what comes up for you and maybe journal any hints of where some of your own blueprints might have come from. One of mine started with teeny tiny lipsticks.
The Hidden Treasure Map Inside
Sometimes happy memories act like hidden treasure maps inside us. I say “hidden” because we don’t consciously realize that we’re following those maps at all. And usually we don’t realize where those maps even lead to. Our nervous system thinks they lead to a treasure, like love, recognition, connection, celebration…but what if the destination doesn’t even make sense any more, now that we’re adults? Or worse, I think, what if it’s leading us somewhere we don’t really even want to GO!
Do you remember those teeny tiny Avon lipstick samples from the early 80s? As kids they were special treasures. I distinctly remember even using them on our Barbie dolls!
The Little Red Lipstick Lie
My mom had many businesses in her life, but the first one I remember clearly was that she was an Avon lady. She drove from house to house with her makeup sample case, helping customers choose items and place orders, and she even took me to one of her sales meetings once which made a HUGE impression on me! And as a little girl watching her, and seeing all the other empowered women in the room of the sales meeting, I thought it was the coolest thing. My mom was her own boss. She had her own thing. Nobody told her when or how to work. And she seemed genuinely happy doing it!
It was probably a combination of playing with those little lipstick samples and sitting at the round table with the women at the sales meeting, but my little mind made a decision— someday I’m going to have my own business too, just like mom!
That was a genuinely happy memory. Warm, aspirational, full of admiration for my mom. And one of mom’s friends even earned a pink Cadillac from her business!
If you grew up around Avon or Mary Kay in the 80s, you know exactly what that car meant. It meant she was a success, she was making money, she was a leader. And it was also tangible proof that the direct sales system worked. It meant that if you built it, if you believed hard enough, if you put in the work — the reward was real and visible and everyone could see it.
I was super impressed! And my younger nervous system filed all of that information away carefully as core beliefs, like: Entrepreneurship equals freedom. Building your own business equals worth. The car equals proof you’ve made it!
And if you’re younger and the iconic door-to-door Avon Lady is before your time, maybe you've been similarly impressed by an MLM, a Girl Boss Instagram grid, or someone sliding into your DMs about an amazing opportunity. They all kind of run on the same promise. The same idea that freedom is JUST on the other side of enough hustle, or 300 more social media posts.
In my twenties. I was a sales manager for a different well-known direct sales company that flourished under the same mythology. Yes, I said mythology, not methodology. I’ll explain why in a few minutes. Anyway, I hustled, sold, recruited, attended meetings, held trainings… and I got the car! Mine wasn’t pink, it was a zippy, shiny red car. I walked across stages. I received awards. People pointed to ME as proof that the system worked.
But financially, underneath the outward success, I was barely breaking even with this “business.”
The car, the recognition, the status within the company — it was just the shiny outward impression of success– it wasn’t a REALITY of success.
This phenomena is what I’m calling the little red lipstick lie. The promise of success and freedom from companies like this when the majority of women don’t ever experience that. Or they have experiences similar to mine, where they can enjoy the recognition, awards, and perceived status but don’t actually get the full well-rounded, time-freedom success. This is the mythology I’m talking about– only maybe 1% of people ever get the promised success, freedom, and high income! And the other 99% either keep trying harder and harder, jump to a different company and try all over again, or feel ashamed that they just couldn’t make it work.
The freedom I’d been promised since I was a little girl playing with those lipstick samples? It never came. I just traded a traditional J-O-B with a boss for a system that demanded even MORE from me. Like time away from my kids in the evenings to hold parties. Like investing in an ever-changing inventory of samples and catalog. And spending money on giveaway items to persuade people to book parties with me. And attending 5 or 6 mandatory evening meetings each month. And dealing with a manager who was demanding, rude, and borderline abusive. Who wants that, right?
I tried a few other direct sales and MLM companies over the years, trying to achieve the myth that was promised. Why? Because my nervous system had evidence and was going to MAKE it work. It’s like it was whispering to my subconscious: “You did it once. You got the car. You made it work!” So every time something didn’t pan out over the years that followed, my system didn’t think, “hmm, maybe this model doesn’t fit me.” It thought — you must not be trying hard enough! Try harder. Try differently. Try again.
Now I want to be really clear that I DO know of some people who DID earn a decent living with some of the things I tried. But in each company, they were the minority, not the norm. And if you’re involved with any of the things I mentioned, I’m not saying you’re being foolish, and I’m not judging you in any way. I’m saying those things weren’t a fit for ME.
The System Is the Problem, Not You
At the same time I was hustling with some of those direct sales attempts, I found success with a different kind of business. And it taught me something important about WHY it worked better.
I ran a licensed, accredited childcare business on an Air Force Base for ten years. I almost always had a waiting list. I earned real income, real awards, 2 trips and genuine recognition. Yeah, child care is incredibly hard work— but it was a perfect fit for my goals and life at the time. My children grew up with a house full of playmates of all different ages, they got to experience group field trips and activities that are more fun with 6 kids than 2 (like kickball) and I was able to earn a very good income while being home with my children.
That early career brought in some of the things I’m longing for NOW in life– more creativity, more play, more time outdoors in nature, and doing something that makes a true difference in the world.
As a business, it worked differently from direct sales and MLM because the demand was genuine and the service was tangible. I didn’t have to convince anyone of anything, drum up demand, create a need, or desperately chase down customers. And, P.S., doing all those things is a part of the little red lipstick lie mythology, too, because recruiters usually don’t mention any of that. Families on base needed care they could trust and I was the #1 provider and the only one nationally accredited, so my business grew without any marketing effort at all. It worked because my gifts — creativity, caring, communication, teaching, nurturing– were the actual product, not some trinket made of plastic.
And I think that distinction matters for you too, not just for me. Because there’s a real difference between thinking “I am bad at business”, or teaching, or whatever it might be for YOU…and realizing “you know, that particular model just wasn't a fit for how I naturally work.”
One of those is a story about your worth, the other is useful information.
This is a great question for journalling, or just some introspection. Ask yourself where whatever you were doing, (whether career-wise or something else in your life) did things work smoothly, even easily? When did it feel most natural, most like YOU?
And I don’t mean when did it LOOK good from the outside, to anyone watching you, or even how the math looked on paper. I’m suggesting you think about when did what you were doing actually FEELl sustainable and meaningful? Like you were doing what you were genuinely built to do. I encourage you to think about that, because it’s an answer that’s worth paying attention to. It will tell you something TRUE and valuable about yourself that no business coach or hustle culture quote is going to tell you.
I’m going to repeat myself on purpose here, because I want to make sure you hear this. And I’ll say it slightly differently: If something isn’t working and doesn't seem like a fit, it is not that you are “BAD” at it. Please think about the reframe of “This doesn’t match who I am and my natural gifts, strengths, and the conditions I need to thrive.”
So here’s what happened after the red car years, and after I closed the childcare business when we moved off the base.
The Loop I Couldn't Stop Running
I kept looking for business THING that would work for ME like it seemed to work for others. MLM, direct sales, website design, social media management… Every few years something new, each time with that little hit of excitement at the start —this one’s going to work, this one’s different.
And every time, a similar result. Like hiking up Mount Washington in New Hampshire with a 50 pound backpack… while the wind and snow are blasting in your face, pushing you back down. It was frustrating and exhausting. Because every time tax time rolled around, I’d look at the number on my tax form versus the hours and effort I was putting in, and the numbers just didn't justify the effort.
Have YOU experienced something like this in your life? Something that you keep going back to, trying and hustling to make it work, thinking “THIS time it’s going to be different. THIS time it’s gonna work!”
And every time it doesn’t come together the way you hoped, you assume the problem is you — not the model, the myth, the poor fit, or those sneaky core beliefs?
I was stuck in that loop for a long time.
What I didn’t understand then is that I wasn’t making rational business decisions. I was running a nervous system program. One that got installed when I was a little girl watching my mom with her customers, absorbing the belief that a woman who builds her own business is a woman who is worth something. And a program installed that early, wrapped in that much warmth and love and genuine admiration, doesn’t uninstall just because the results stop showing up.
I shared with you that I lost a remote job I loved last year, and that I haven’t replaced it yet. Well, at the same time I was applying for jobs and hearing only silence, I started building yet another service business. I'd already cycled through several of these — you heard some of them — and here I was, doing it again with something I’m truly skilled at– podcast audio and video editing. And I kept trying to make it better– just one more before and after example, one more testimonial, a pricing tweak, and on and on with busy work. And remember, I’m raising and potty training 2 rescue puppies right now too. Life is NUTS!
What AI Helped Me Finally See
I started having too many days in a row where it felt like it was just impossible to finish my to do list, to even make a dent in it. I was feeling frustrated with myself and entirely exhausted. And in that tiredness, I asked myself yet again WHY do I keep doing this? Why do I keep building and pivoting and starting over, when the hours I’m putting in and the results I’m getting back are so far apart? What the heck is driving this? Because building a business doesn’t feel like passion anymore. It feels like I can’t stop. I journalled for a while and then started a conversation with AI to help mirror back the common threads, the common patterns of what I was saying.
And the AI suggested I think about if it might be possible that I’m afraid of STOPPING and being still. And it went on to clarify a bit, because that didn't resonate with me… I didn’t understand what it was asking. Stopping what? And for the first time I realized my push to “make it work” was a pattern tied to my beliefs, and fed by the Girl Boss / MLM / build your empire culture.
AI flat out asked me– what would actually happen if you stopped trying to make a new service business work? And the answer was, “not much would change, except I wouldn’t be exhausted and I’d get more of my life back”. We chatted about several other things that night, including what my passion is, what naturally lights me up, and what I’d be doing if earning money was magically removed as a life requirement. We chatted about my values, my priorities, and the working style that feeds my soul. And sadly, it would make a suggestion, and I’d say “but, but, but then THIS will happen” because I was being influenced by various nervous system programs, fear triggers, and deep ingrained patterns.
And then it suggested, on its own, something that I think is BRILLIANT. I didn’t ask for a 90-day experiment, the AI came up with it on its own as something safe I could try for just a short, temporary time span without uprooting my entire life, or making any dire, irreversible changes.
The 90 Day Experiment
This feels vulnerable to say out loud – so far I’ve only shared this with my sister. For 90 days, I’m working on 3 things. One is really difficult, one is necessary but undesirable, and one is exciting.
Number One
This is the tough one. I am committed to NOT building anything new. No new services, ebooks, programs, or courses. No rewriting, tweaking, or reworking what already exists. Nothing new.
I am really good at brainstorming without trying, and one thing snowballs into 10 things I “have to plan” because it will make the first thing awesome. and it will also bloat my to-do-list and drain my energy.
Here’s a REAL example of what this normally looks like:
A few days before I started this experiment, I was planning an episode about grief. ONE episode. Then I realize there’s so much I want to explore. So soon I’m outlining not just an episode but a 5 part series, about several different types of grief, because I feel they’re all important, and I want to share them. Then I’m thinking about what kind of experts I want to bring in… and I want to be sure it’s worth their time, so somehow I’m planning a companion ebook… or maybe it’s an actual book on Amazon…. and on and on.
Nobody is pushing me to make things bigger, it’s part of my internal wiring. And often it really isn’t serving me, it’s draining me.
Tweaks Don’t Make Sense When There’s a Mismatch
With the podcast editing business I started, I’ve had interest and a few consultations, but no takers. And after working through the mis-alignment with my working preferences, this likely is NOT even a good match for me.
So changing my packages, offering different services to help DIY podcasters, updating my prices… none of that will likely do anything but eat up my time and keep me frustrated.
This doesn’t mean that service necessarily has to end, it means I take the 90 days to fully pause. To let the website live in the world as it currently is. And to take my mind off it, for at least 90 days.
Number Two
Because I do need to bring in some income, I’m going to set some limited time blocks in my schedule to apply for remote part-time work that better aligns with not just my skills, but my lifestyle and values.
In my years of direct sales rah-rah meetings, we called this a “J-O-B” because it was like a dirty word. “Why would you ever want one when you could be your own boss and earn more money?” they’d say.
So I’m doing this out of necessity and trying to consciously have a different mindset than the one that was drilled into me for decades. Securing part time work is nothing to be ashamed of, and I’m tired of it feeling that way. It will take the financial pressure off while my long-term vision blossoms.
Number Three
This is the exciting one for me! I’ve been asked to be a podcast guest on other wellness shows, but haven’t had the time to devote to it. So in these 90 days, my goal is to be a guest on 3-5 shows to expand my mission, share what I’ve learned, and help new friends find Om WOW.
This show is my True North right now. It’s the most aligned thing in my life and the heart of where my vision is leading me.
During this experiment, I’ll have more time to invest in the show, in my research and writing, and I’ll have more energy to show up as my best self, here, where it matters the most to me.
What’s the Point?
These 90 days are all about nurturing my frazzled nervous system, prioritizing self care, letting go of beliefs and myths that aren’t helping me, and trusting that the right things will grow when I let what's most meaningful to me have more of my attention.
That’s it. It sounds simple, but I assure you it isn’t. For me at least. If YOU start a 90 day challenge, the things you set aside and the things you embrace will be unique to YOU.
Even within the first few DAYS of making this commitment, my brain started generating new ideas. And good ones! I have a book idea brewing right now, but it has been set aside for at least 90 days, because I’m serious about this experiment. My body, mind, and especially my nervous system need it.
Early Nervous System Tantrums
It's only been 8 days as I'm recording this, and my nervous system has already had PLENTY to say about it. I woke up the very first morning in a full panic about pausing promotion for my podcast editing service.
I had some stomach-churning doubts about whether to share any of this on the show, because last week’s episode and this one felt uncomfortably raw.
I had fears about what anyone considering working with me might think if they heard it. And what the consequences might be if I decided to continue with the editing business at the end of this experiment after saying I didn’t want it. Who would take me seriously? I mean, who's going to hire a podcast editor who just told you she doesn't want to be a podcast editor?
I felt fear perk up again as I wondered what my friends and family would think of me after hearing these 2 episodes. Did I make myself sound like a blazing failure?
AI helped me work through these each of these fears and remember WHY I chose to do this in the first place.
Catching Myself in an Old Pattern
And then a few days later, I caught myself mid-pattern, about to pile some more self-directed obligations onto my to-do list, and I successfully stopped myself– that felt like progress!
You see, as part of my editing business I had been doing a lot of logistical work in the background, trying to get a free podcaster mastermind community off the ground. But after reaching out to all the people who were interested, I still only had 4 applications.
I knew this wasn’t enough to justify my time and financial investment, and that it wouldn’t be as helpful as I envisioned for the people involved. So what I caught myself doing, was feeling sorry for the 4 people who applied. Feeling like I owed them something. Like I had to make it right.
I was just about to reach out to each of them and offer a 1-on-1 meeting to see if I could give them any help. But I FELT the pattern. It kind of felt like guilt. And trying to make sure I went above and beyond– you know, so they’d like me, feel good about me. Well, AI helped me see that I was trying to fix something that wasn't even my fault or responsibility to do!
I chatted with AI a LOT during those first few days, as my nervous system was freaking out after all this started to sink in as real… that I’m really doing it.
What Your Autopilot Might Be Telling You
I started this episode talking about happy memories and the quiet blueprints they hand us. The tiny lipsticks. The Sunday dinners. The trophies.
I’m ready to look at things like this with clarity, to come to understand what they installed in me, and to choose consciously whether I want to keep running those programs.
That’s what I’m inviting you to think about this week. Where in your life do you feel like you’re doing something on autopilot, and you’re not sure why. You may have even heard yourself say “why do I keep DOING this?”
I encourage you to journal about it and just notice what comes up. Because you can’t make a conscious choice about a pattern or program you haven’t recognized yet. And maybe you’ll decide, like me, to use AI cautiously, responsibly, with an open mind to what patterns it might reflect back to you about what you’ve written.
Have a fabulous week my friends!
Meet Our Host: Jennifer Robin O’Keefe
Jennifer Robin is always searching for the next thing that might help: the book, the practice, the reframe you didn't know existed but turns out to be exactly what you needed.
Through conversations with experts, authors, and everyday humans, along with personal reflection, Jennifer focuses on bridging the gap between "woo" and practical, accessible self-support. Her work is rooted in the belief that wellness is not about fixing yourself, but about remembering your worth and finding what genuinely works for you.
She has spent decades exploring personal growth, energy healing, and mind-body wellness. She's trained in EFT Tapping and coaching, tools she often references in her conversations. She's not positioning herself as an expert who has it all figured out. She approaches her work with humility, curiosity, and deep respect for individual experience.
Jennifer is a lifelong learner who cherishes books and notebooks. She loves diving into research and sharing what she learns in a way that feels relatable, compassionate, and pressure-free. These conversations are an invitation: to ask your own questions, gather perspectives that resonate, and build a life that actually feels good to you.